


Silly me

by Kikku_chan



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Tackey & Tsubasa
Genre: Break Up, Depressing, Illnesses, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 13:15:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19229860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikku_chan/pseuds/Kikku_chan
Summary: It's over, and Tsubasa is not okay, but he is going to be, or will he? Short novel. All the feels. Some Tackey fans may not like it at all.





	Silly me

**Author's Note:**

> Tsubasa POV, depression, not so nice thought about Tackey. I would like to warn you here if you are a big Tackey fan, this is not for you.

It was already too late for us, even when the whole world was ours. At least this is what I try to tell myself when I don't place the blame on you, or on me. Maybe those ones who loved you just like me can understand this one sentence with the same indescribable deep regret and sorrow as I do. It's not that I lost something. It was never mine. It was never meant to be. 

 

Silly me, I always told myself that this could work, in life, on the stage, everywhere in every level of our life of mask, fake smiles, and hidden guilty pleasure moments, when we are finally who we really are. Now as I think about it, maybe I've never seen you... Like nobody else did, so it's no wonder that the whole thing went to trash faster than you can say "disaster".

 

I don't really want everyone to hear the bitterness in my voice how our life proceeds further, but I can't deny that I'm not over this, over you. You are a terribly selfish person and it feels so good to say it out loud. This is going to be my last lament and hopefully, after this, I can finally forgive myself, all the others you loved while you still told me I'm the only one, and.. You? I don't think I can do that. I'm not that strong and there is nothing to forgive you because you are like a poison. The characters in films who are just like you often referred to as 'shark' and I'm sorry to offend every living shark on this planet because they still have more empathy than you. Career hungry. Racist. Hateful to any other ideas than his. Ladder climber. Ass licker. The one who only knows love from songs and films, and never burned with passion for anything else than money, fame, power. The holy trinity of yours. I watch the news, I see what you had become, how high you are. I don't think you are happy. I think you want to climb even higher. Just like you always did, want things. Better. Pricier. More. Simply just more.

 

I think if you didn't work here, you would work for some multinational, billion worthy company. You would be exactly under the boss, waiting for him to die or be old and blind to see that you are not that creative, and not a good leader as you may try to present yourself and choose you to his position... Oh, wait... 

 

Everybody under you would hate you, few would, to be honest, stupidly like me, desire you. They, as I would be blind to the fact that you didn't put your heart into anything. You have plans, where to be in 1-5-10 years, and for those you would pretend to be ungraceful, vacuous, can't tell a joke to save his life, dressing badly for good occasions, you learn hard and because of that you obviously work so hard, but in reality you memorise everything after reading it three times, you pretend that you hate every picture of yourself, and always try to put others in the light while keeping yourself there. You hide your real faults deep down, where you let no one in your real character, not even those who try to love you. 

 

As I said no to this circus, I wonder how it would feel to finally forget you. To wake up in the morning without your smell in my nose, your voice in my failing ears, and I didn't mean forget you as I look our old CD cover pictures and cry like a teenage girl for her idol. I mean it in the way when you drop a single drop of water to the asphalt road in a burning hot summer. Look it was there... Look it's not there anymore. Vanishing without leaving a trace, without leaving scars, feeling pain or anger.

 

Anger. I feel that a bit more than it's healthy for an adult non-psycho man. Letting my anger go would be the hardest. That's why I do this. Without keeping back, without censoring my words. Once... Once I have to say out loud the most hateful and barbaric thought of mine. If I bottle it all up as I did in the past I wouldn't just ruin myself physically but mentally too. 

 

When you first came back after failing me I gave myself permission to fall in love with you again. It was, of course, one of the many mistakes I made, if it was about you. Obviously, you left me when your interests suited you otherwise, new role, new lover, new ideas for business, a new step on the ladder. I let myself take a slap, right into my face from you, in front of the world and when you came back the second time, you laughed it all off. It was nothing to you. 

 

I made a mistake and took your second coming back like a sign. That it doesn't matter that you sometimes get hungry in other places or eat your dinner there because you will keep coming back to me. Because I mean something to you. To everyone who listens to this, it must be so obvious that I'm stupid, I don't deny that at all. I just won't take the blame for everything you did wrong and how you ruined me. I blamed myself quite a lot for being too trusting with you, believing your sweet true lies. I do this for myself. Standing out and making a loud statement. I'm not to blame because you are a bad person. I'm not to blame because I was manipulated and used and abused. I suffered and tried to run, but you kept coming back and made feel, and made me believe that it meant something, that I was meant to be yours and meant to be the one to pick you out of your own dirt, and I was... meant to make you a better person. I had faith that I'm the cure of your spinelessness. 

 

When you came back the second time I tried to love you with two hearts, even if I had only one, and one of them was already ruined because of the job we work. It's a business like this it grinds you down, it doesn't care about you or your needs. The show must go on now, doesn't it? I tried not to watch for the signs that you didn't even try to love me this time, I wanted it so badly, to have that connection we can see with the iconic duo of our times. They stand together no matter how different they are. I thought we could be just like them. 

 

I don't think you ever knew, that in that time of our sad history I loved you more than my own life. Kinda sad, and ironic, isn't it? I loved you more than my career, I loved you more than my passion, dancing, loved you more than my own dreams, and in those dreams, I had you, not the real you obviously. It took me more than 20 years to finally accept that I never knew and will never know who you really are. I loved you more than I loved myself and that was the greatest mistake. 

 

Sold my soul, and you didn't even notice that after the second week of getting you back I didn't have a resemblance to myself anymore. We walked straight ahead, and I started to notice in my misery the light that catches your eyes and meant a new opportunity and I was sure as hell that you will let my hand go and grab that one. All the while I couldn't even take a breath without sniffing your perfume in the air. 

 

As I mentioned I tried to love you with two hearts but one was already lost, and you shattered the other, and I didn't know where the pieces fell, to try to make it whole again with kintsugi. 

 

I also want to tell it here without being a gentleman in any way, shape, or form, or watch for my words that you know nothing about sex. Your sexuality doesn't start in bed. It's not just about two bodies rocking together like well-oiled machines. It starts in your eyes. When two people look at each other and I only have the words in Spanish in my mouth... La chispa adecuada... You can say that the right spark but it doesn't have quite the same weight into it, maybe if you would ever listen to the song titled like this it would touch something in you, but maybe this is also a merry wish of mine, because then it would mean that you start to understand much more than you did before. When two people look at each other and they just feel the air thicken and see it all fuzzy but the fact is clear that they can trust each other and give each other everything because the other deserves it. The tears, the blood, the fight, to give in from what you had, to make a compromise, I couldn't really tell you either and I think I couldn't sing how it feels, but maybe I can dance it all out. How vulnerable you are in love, how strong you can be. 

 

In real sex, you would be naked in more than one way. Sounds like a cheesy girl novel, but if you feel like you should keep your mental barriers up, or you can't be too loud, too passionate then you should run to the other direction because your soul can tell you when you are not in the right place. You should enjoy and be totally naked and honest even in a one night stand. Ever wondered how some of our senpai relationships still work even when they cheat on their spouse? Because there is honesty between them, and they wouldn't even keep something so hurtful like this from the other. They don't have to know it from whispers around the agency like I had to find out a thousand times, they don't have to read the tabloids to know. 

 

Have you ever laughed while you had sex? Enjoyed yourself truly? Let yourself be silly? Don't answer. I already know. 

 

You think that it starts with the vulgar fantasies of where to put your dick in what position, so you never experienced something so freeing, so magical.

 

Without you, I put myself into my career with full force and won't stop until I literally tear myself apart. From time to time you came back and made it impossible to me to fully give myself to someone else who, not just possibly but surely would've been more deserving of my love. This point in time I wouldn't want to talk much about you, because I was a horrible person, hurting the others, because what I suffered from, hating myself and didn't give the chance to forgive or give a chance to anyone to help me. 

 

When your weight was lifted from my frame I would put myself into everything, good music, good wine, good show, good party, pretty sunrise, but I never felt any of them or enjoyed them truly. I was so cold and miserable, it's no wonder what happened to me. 

 

I tried to tell myself that I'm going to be better, even after the doctors said I won't. In that point where I was between the choice of electrocuting myself or taking a ton of pills since who wants to jump in front of a train and make other people’s lives hell too, you walked in. As a little king of his stage. As a Broadway dame, with a cigar, feather boa, and that damn perfume smell that makes me puke, and you told me how sorry you were for everything. 

 

Fortunately for me, I was already clear-headed enough to see how well rehearsed it was. The smile, the hug, the words in your mouth. Did you wrote it, or asked your manager to do it? I'm so impressed. You of all people made me want to live again. I wanted to know how it feels to live when I've already forgotten you. 

 

When I said no, to the industry, to you, to the company, to the tabloids, to the fans and everything the only thing I hoped for, is the moment when I wake up without the smell of your perfume. The moment when I walk on the street and no one notices me, because they didn't know from the Bunshun or some other paper what is my hair colour, my weight did I get a tattoo, moustache, piercing. Maybe they can't even follow me, I always loved Spain, maybe I can live there, maybe I can leave behind it all. 

 

Our last meeting was fun, I didn't tell you the correct word you already rehearsed your answer for, so you were there gaping like a fish while trying to tell me what grand plans you had for everyone’s future.  It was my greatest joy to tell you hopefully the last words I will ever tell you into your face 

"Oh don't bother, I already have to run, I have so much thing to do." 

 

I do have so much to do. I'm not healthy but not dead yet, not over you, but I will be, I will wake up one day without you in my mind. 


End file.
